Leaving the library with my friend Rute, when a man drives up.
Man: (to Rute). Hi. I’m Julius. Tell your friend I like her. Tell your friend she’s going to be my woman.
Me: Um, hi, her friend speaks Portuguese.
Man: (moment of confusion) (then, to Rute) Tell your friend she’s very smart.
Over the phone, with my empregada’s nephew / Portuguese tutor I fired because he doesn’t know Portuguese / guy who sold us shrimp (bear in mind he still wears all black because he’s in the mourning period for his late wife)
Julio: Hi, it’s Julio. I accidentally gave you an extra kilo of shrimp this morning. Can I come back and get it tomorrow?
Me: No, that’s okay, I’ll just pay for it next time you’re in town.
Julio: Ok. Can I still come over tomorrow?
Me: (suddenly realizing this is not a business call). Why?
Julio: Because I like you. I want to make you my wife. You can take me back with you to America.
Me: You’re kidding.
Julio: No. Do you understand what I’m saying? Here: I like you. You are going to be my wife.
Me: You’re kidding.
Julio: No, I’m trying to tell you I like you.
Me: That’s nice. I don’t care. Hey, why don’t I just give my empregada the money to give to you? Does that work?
Julio: Ok. Hey, I’m running out of phone credit…
Me: Sorry. Goodbye.
With a very good friend after grabbing dinner one night (yeah, should’ve known), who I’m trying to make understand the concept of a platonic relationship.
Me: Okay, see you tomorrow.
Z: Wait, we’re not going to kiss?
Me: Um, no. See you tomorrow.
Z: But Valeria, you’re not being very kind. This hurts. I’m in love with you.
Me: Yes. But I’m not going to be your namarada.
Z: But why?!
Me: Why? (honestly perplexed…wait, I have to explain why I’m not interested in you? The fact that I say no isn’t indication enough?)
Z: Yes. Why won’t you namarar with me? I love you.
Me: (Realizing the only way I’ll get out of this is by being painfully blunt.) But I don’t love you. I’m not even interested in you.
Z: Don’t worry! It’s okay! I don’t mind.
Me: (blink) (silence).
Me: Good night, Z.